Fear is a lie…….at least that’s what I use to think, but then life happened. One day I am working, going along like any other robot on this planet and the next my fucking life gets completely turned upside down.  Now, what????? I look at moving one day and love the idea. A great new start to get out this shit storm I have been living with the last year and a half, but then Fear kicks in. Move? What? and give up my security of my home, my controlled life here in AZ. Well FUCK! Stay here? NO, I don’t have a job and can pull myself into such a dark depression that staying would just be a hot poker in my eye. Sell everything and hit the road, find myself? HAHAHAHA the thought of living out of a suitcase……..nope.  Big sigh, so let’s get back to that asshole Fear. I use that like a name, Fear is a person, something I can touch. Fear is something I can look straight in the face and some days I want to throat punch it and some days I curl up in a ball and hide from it. It was about a year and a half ago that my life changed. I used to walk up to Fear with my middle finger in its face and a Fuck you, you will not control me, attitude. But today it’s so different the day my Mom died, I changed so much. My heart died and sometimes I put my hand on my chest to make sure that I still have a beat that’s when that bastard Fear snuck in. A box in my brain opened full of self-doubt and full of negative thoughts. MY MOM trained me my entire life for this moment, the moment she was going to leave and I would be in this world alone. She taught me how to be strong, how to fight, how to stay ahead of the self-doubt and the shit talk that happens. She taught me how to counteract the messages I received growing up telling me that I was nothing, telling me no man could love me, telling me I would be a waste. Maybe those words weren’t said exactly,  but that is what I heard. She taught me how to be strong. NOW the most important time of my life when I need to dig out those lessons FEAR comes into my life like this. FUCK YOU! I want my FUCKING life back, you CAN NOT have it anymore. I don’t want advice, I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, I want my FUCKING life back!  I am so pissed…….I am tired of crying, wondering and waiting. NO MORE!  So Fear you are a LIE that sits in my head like a bomb ready to go off, You are a face that I hate and you are everything in my life that I HATE about myself. I am not going to let you sit here anymore, I am putting you on this blog for the world to see, you are exposed for the coward you are and you will no longer be welcome here.

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